News Of The Future From Sam Fields

Guest Columnist



 January 12, 2015–AP  On the fifth anniversary of the 2010 Haitian earthquake, the investigative arm of the United States Congress issued an audit on Haitian relief now roughly between $5 trillion and $18 bazillion.

The General Accounting Office report concluded that 90% all of the money was “misspent, stolen or is simply unaccounted for.  There was some confusion in the report as to whether the remaining 10% was “pissed away or “simply flushed down the crapper.

Meanwhile, millions of earthquake victims are still living with hunger and disease in tents and shanties that provide no more comfort than right after the 7.0 earthquake.

On the positive side, most Haitian experts concluded this was not much different than the living conditions before the earthquake.

The 2010 earthquake relief money appears to have had the same fate as the relief dollars that followed numerous hurricanes and coups between 2000 and 2009.

Kickbacks, theft and shoddy construction dominated efforts to build roads, housing and development.  Conventional attempts to increase electrical capacity went for naught as shell corporations went bankrupt with tens of millions unaccounted.

The jury is still out on the millions paid to Voodoo priests to harness the power of fire bolts from the sky.

It was noted that there have been some changes over the last five years.  Transparency International moved Haiti from 168 to 180 on the corruption scale.

In response, the White House issued a celebratory press release.  That press release was quickly withdrawn when President Sarah Palin learned that, like golf, a lower score was better.

That was the second Haitian gaff for the former Mayor of Wasilla. Early last year, in response to a briefing on Haitian culture, President Palin expressed surprise that “so many blacks could speak French.

The GAO went on to report that the only segments of the Haitian economy experiencing growth were cocaine, homicide, rape and refugees.

To get a better handle on the situation, starting next week the NASDAQ will be listing “sexual assault for futures trading.

But not all world leaders saw Haitian development in a negative light.

Notwithstanding that he was believed to have died in 2013, Pope Benedict XVI praised the Haitians for maintaining their faith.

The post mortem Pontiff expressed pride to see that Haitian Catholics continue to reject birth control.  “As their Good Sheppard, I am glad to see that my flock continues to act and reproduce like sheep.

In late breaking news, it has been reported that a one-mile wide asteroid may have struck Port-au-Prince.  There is some confusion since the initial accounts appear to be based on property damage reports making it hard to tell.

Nevertheless, this coming Friday, Brad Pitt and his wife Dakota Fanning, a.k.a.  Brakota, will be holding a twenty-four hour Haitian Relief Telethon on the Pity Channel.

4 Responses to “News Of The Future From Sam Fields”

  1. Right Wing Reactionary says:

    For once, Sam is on the beam.

    Haiti is a Sh*thole and the billions that Americans have poured in over the last 30 years have resulted in absolutely nothing. Had the American money gone into infrastructure instead of the pockets of corrupt dictators and officials, up to 90% of those who died because of the quake more than likely would be alive today. Rather than one more dime being spent in Haiti (tax dollars, not charity relief) the U.S. should clean out what’s left of the current government, declare the country an American Protectorate and spend the next 20 years building a decent country with a real infrastructure. If France, Cuba and the other dirtbag countries complain about American Imperialism, tell them to put up or shut up.

  2. 10% says:

    Sam – have some serious serious issues with this post, but the last paragraph was some of the funniest writing I’ve seen in a long time.

    Brakota goes into the urban dictionary — and may that prediction be the only one that turns out accurate!!


  3. Dejevualloveragain says:

    Sam, re-write this but
    REMOVE: Haiti


  4. instead says:

    The first money should be used for saving people. This is in our own self-interest because they are on our doorstep.
    After the situtationis stablized, instead of giving money to a collection of corrupt Haitian, we should give tax credits to American businesses that create real jobs in Haiti or give import tax breaks to other companies that manufacture in Haiti. @3