Fields On Tebow, Tiger And The Ayatollah
BY SAM FIELDS
Guest Columnist
GOD TO TEBOW: YOU’RE A JERK
Memorandum
From: God, a.k.a., The Lord, Yahweh, The Prime Mover, etc
To: Tim Tebow–225 lbs. of hubris
_______________
I created an ever-expanding universe that is already 100 billion light years across. You live on one planet in one solar system that is part of one galaxy that has 200 billion other solar systems.
On top of that, there are hundreds of billions of galaxies.
I don’t have the time to stop the genocide, wars, pestilence, starvation, slavery, child abuse, rape, etc that permeates your one dinky little out of the way planet.
Nevertheless you go around telling people that I am spending my energy fixing college football games.
You, Tim Tebow, are nothing more than an ignorant, arrogant, self-absorbed jerk who wraps his vanity and hubris in an exceedingly thin veneer of piety.
You did not lose that game because, as you said, it was “My will.
Want to understand why you lost? Don’t read the Gospels. Look at the game film. You were throwing like a girl.
In sum, you were outplayed, out-motivated and out-coached. That last point is tough for me to admit. All Heaven knows Saban is an asshole.
I had absolutely nothing to do with the final scoreeven if I did tell Moses to take ‘Bama and the 5½. Divine truth be known, (that’s the only kind I have) I screwed the pooch on the Over/Under.
One final note. I did not create the zygomatic and maxilla bones to be billboards for your bullshit ideas about me.
(Two caveats:
(1) Notwithstanding that I am Gatorhater (go Canes), I love all things from the Sunshine State and rooted for them against Alabama. (2) This piece guarantees that an unnamed judge will never grant another motion for me. I will not name the judge or her father, who is the former Chief Judge.)
TIGER WOODS AND HOWARD STERN
The gossip columnist from the National Enquirer observed that entertainer Howard Stern was scandal proof because his life is an open book about his outrageous behavior.
Tiger Woods should take a lesson from Howard and lay it all out on the table. If it costs him some advertisers, then so be it.
The bombs are going to drop anyway. He should do it on his terms.
As for his wife, apparently she is demanding $$$$ to stay with him in the marital bed.
He needs look her right in the eye and her tell her the joke that ends with the punch line: “We already know what kind of girl you are. We’re just haggling over the price.
It’s not like he was cheating in golf.
That would have been a career ender.
THE ROBERT LEVINSON DISAPPEARANCE
I can’t imagine the anxiety that the Coral Springs family of Robert Levinson is experiencing since he disappeared in Iran in 2007.
Nevertheless the story seems questionable or shows an incredible miscalculation in judgment by Levinson.
According to his family, Levinson, who has a Jewish-sounding name, is an ex-FBI agent who owns a private security company. On behalf of an unnamed client, he was investigating cigarette smuggling in Iran.
The only people the Iranians hate more than Americans are Jews. The Iranian President is religious fanatic and Holocaust denier. Not that he would be upset about the murder of six million Jews.
Did I forget to mention that Iranians view the FBI like we viewed the KGB during the Cold War? For them there are no “ex FBI agents. They are all spies.
Did I also forget to mention that the regime has a record of arresting locals and tourists who are believed to be not 100% supportive of the Ayatollah Assahollah.
Finally, did I forget to mention that Revolutionary Guard has spies everywhere? It is a certitude that Levinson’s activities would be reported in a Tehran minute.
All of this leads to alternative explanations. First, he was desperate over money or something else and therefore willing pursue this dangerous/reckless mission.
Or, second, this cigarette story is bogus.
December 6th, 2009 at 2:03 pm
Query: The University of Florida is a public university… correct? So why is Tebow allowed to use his face and football and our tax payer money to plaster his religious beliefs on every football game that the Gators play? Would this be allowed in a public high school. No. The law is the law.
The Gator coaching staff has not only blurred the lines between religion and state but has also obliterated the American justice principal of innocent UNTIL proven guilty. Didn’t they suspend a player for getting a DUI ARREST?
I’m a disappointed and embarrassed Gator (based on the above comments only).
December 6th, 2009 at 2:23 pm
Everytime I think you have reformed, you again start writing. Sam, you really need to stick to the courthouse, not the field house. God has been a part of many football players belief system since the first pigskin was thrown. What you have never understood is that having beliefs doesn’t make a person bad or a “jerk”. You have no proof that religion is wrong and I have no scientific proof that my beliefs are right. I just believe. You don’t. That doesn’t make me a jerk or you a jerk. What makes you a jerk is your constant belittling of anyone who believes differently than you. It reminds me of the Taliban.
December 6th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
One Heisman Trophy and one National Championship ring to go along with four years at a university with some of the most beautiful women in the world. You are sitting on the bench realizing that your season has crashed at the end. Then you realized that after the Heisman, the championship etc., you never, ever once got laid.
Now, that is something to sob about.
December 6th, 2009 at 5:46 pm
As for the legality of Tebow’s action the answer is it is legal. As long as his religiosity is not encouraged or discouraged by the government it his 1st amend right.
But the right to a belief and the wisdom of the belief are not the same thing.
If the death of billions in religious war is not “proof that religion is wrong†than I can’t imagine what is.
If Tebow can go around saying that anyone who disagrees with him will go to hell tell me why that should not be rebuked.
December 7th, 2009 at 5:04 am
story #1: lol
story #2: lol
story #3: sam, don’t go to iran.
🙂
December 7th, 2009 at 6:06 am
dk
thanks for the advice I’ll cancel the booking
December 7th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
My friend Tebow should not be blowing snot bubbles and crying like a girl on TV. He lost for the very reasons Sam says. He played like a girl.
There is no crying in football, and no football in the bible.
December 7th, 2009 at 6:15 pm
Fields, why would you call a young man a jerk for his beliefs. I don’t happen to be religious, but your over the top way of indicating your disagreement with Tebow’s views is just vulgar and mean and misplaced. Do you know Tebow well enough to make the inflammatory mean spirited jabs; don’t answer, you don’t.
Please stop offering your philosophical overtures that no one reads; the reason i read this one was the blog title lead, which i just couldn’t believe, so i read your garbage. if you knew him personally and you wanted to go off on him, at least them maybe you would have a sliver of credibility to write about him. again, i am not religious and philosophically and rationally don’t believe God is determining the winner of games, and I don’t like or dislike the Gators so don’t call me a Gator fan or religious zealot, for I am neither. I bet you picked on the mentally challenged and smaller kids in school; dude, you got issues. Most has-beens do.
December 7th, 2009 at 7:46 pm
gonzo,
you don’t like “inflammatory mean spirited jabs,” but then u r doing the same thing. it’s ok if u do it, but nobody else?
December 8th, 2009 at 5:03 am
Dear Gonzo,
Tebow is a public figure who continues to use his fame to promote his wacky, hateful ideas.
Yes they are hateful
Not only does he believe in an afterlife but he insists that anyone who does not follow his rules will burn in hell. His rules have nothing to do with being good and kind. It is all about kissing Jesus’ ass.
If Hitler truly repents and accepts Jesus 10 seconds before he dies he goes to heaven. But Anne Frank does not because she is a Jew.
Further he believes in the Book of Revelation (final book of the bible) in which the Jews get their comeuppance for whacking Jesus.
That is all pretty hateful to me even if it is all bullshit.
Does he have one belief more important than Jesus? He damn well does. And that is money, money, money.
He wants to make millions in the NFL which conducts it’s business on the Sabbath. Check out Eric Liddell about athletics on Sunday.
As far as I can tell this self righteous, unctuous jackass has never made any significant sacrifice to demonstrate his faith.
Yes, yes, yes I know he proclaims his virginity. But, considering that last summer he volunteered to assist in the circumcision of little boys (the salary is low but the tips are great) keeping his hands off the co-eds may not have been as much of a hardship for him as it would have been for most men.
December 8th, 2009 at 5:54 am
sam,
u missed your calling. u could have written for a hit tv show like seinfeld. u could be the next larry david. u r really funny!
December 9th, 2009 at 6:00 am
dk
thank you
December 9th, 2009 at 7:42 am
fields, you are spewing hate against a young man who happens to be religious. you are not funny or logical. basically, you are saying all religious people are hateful. because they think differently than you, you besmirch and insult them. you are not provocative in your thoughts and you sound insane and like a hater. deal with you issues, you need help and a shrink.
dk, please go purchase a life. don’t look up this guy.
December 9th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
Hey Sam,
Do you have the guts to tell all the local Muslims that their kissing Mohammad’s behind too?
December 9th, 2009 at 8:07 pm
Sam, we’ve all heard about religious intolerance. You’re preaching irreligious intolerance. By the way, if I had a group of murderous religious lunatics I’d want to worry about these days, it wouldn’t be UF football players. And probably doubly so if I were a Jew.
December 11th, 2009 at 5:08 am
I am intolerant of bad ideas. If that makes me a bigot I am guilty, guilty, guilty.
December 13th, 2009 at 9:50 am
Since when is Tim Tebow’s face the property of anyone but Tim Tebow.
I always fine it interesting that those that are pleading for tolerance are often the most intolerant. Can’t be disagreed with, can’t have another point of view, can’t actually have a character and actions worth admiring and for goodness sakes lets not allow a young man who had a bad game, the opportunity to express the utter disappointment in achieving something he wanted badly but that night could not achieve. (sarcasm on) Yep, lets model ourselves after angery , bitter people.
Being angry and bitter, calling anyone that disagrees with another hater and ignorant, yep that is a good way to live and it leads to such happiness. ( sacrasm off)