BY SAM FIELDS
Please pity us, the poor victims of the Augusta National Golf Club. We’re victims of another case of oppressed white, male billionaires being victimized by the powerful evil forces of the National Organization of Women (NOW) and their lesbian allies.
Could there be any greater pain than being badmouthed by a bunch of sex crazed, bra burning, women-libbers?
The last defense of freedom tumbled down this week when two women were shoehorned into my beloved Augusta National by political correctness.
Our founder Bobby Jones is turning over in his grave.
The last bastion of American freedom, like the parapets at the Alamo, has been overrun.
One can only think back to the “Golden Days” when members humbly lived like free men.
Who can forget the traditions of the Saturday Night dinner during The Masters? My favorite was handcuffing a couple colored boys to each other’s left hands and have them fight it out. The winner got an extra five dollars. And if they were good “boys” they got to take home our dinner leftovers.
Yes, those were the days of the real free America.
Alas, no more.
Leave White Men Alone
First we were pressured to take in Hebrews. Then in 1990, we were forced to accept “Colored” men.
I’m grateful that Cliff Roberts our, our founding Chairman from 1934 to 1976, was not alive to see these abominations. I so fondly recall his words: “As long as I’m alive, all the golfers will be white and all the caddies will be black.”
Now that was a statement of true equality. It was, as they say on Fox News, “fair and balanced”.
If anything, it was tilted against the White man. After all, members have to pay to be on the course and caddies get paid to be there. It’s pretty obvious the Black caddies got the better end of the deal.
Then came the 2003 Masters. Not content with making us let in Jews and Blacks, now the liberal media was demanding that we let girls (if you could call them that…if you know what I mean) in our boys club.
Fortunately, our leader Hootie Johnson made clear that he would not allow females into Augusta “at the point of a bayonet”.
But, like the men at the Alamo, he held out as long as he could.
So let me conclude by once again calling on all of you to join with me and pity the White, billionaire man. Beseeched on all sides by the liberal media they can feel equal suffering to the victims of The Bataan Death March, Auschwitz and the 9/11.
Oppressed at last, oppressed at last. Deliver us, great God Almighty, for we are oppressed at last.