BY SAM FIELDS
I owe Miami Dolphins owner Steven Ross an apology for my earlier columns attacking the 83rd richest American. I erroneously went after him for his unwillingness to use his $4.5 billion to pay for all the improvements to “Joe Robbie, Landshark, Sun Life, Russell, etc., Stadium”.
It turns out that $4.5 billion is not the kind of wealth you think it is.
According to the May 9th Herald, in 2012 his team lost $41 million!
I felt terrible when my calculator made clear that, at this rate by 2123, Steven Ross will be on Food Stamps, or whatever they are issuing 110 years from now.
From what I can figure Ross is in the predicament because of the team’s evil landlord.
Mike Dee, the Dolphins CEO, explained it to Channel 10’s Michael Putney. It seems that Ross bought the team without realizing the stadium was in such terrible condition.
Ross apparently has always been a trusting soul who bases his business deals on a kind word and a handshake. No need for “due diligence” to check out the stadium. After all, the guy who sold him the Dolphins spent fifty years in the trash hauling business.
So the problem has to be with the new owner of the stadium and the way he has been mistreating “our” Steven Ross.
You see The Miami Dolphins do not own the stadium. That’s a separate business that currently has the team as a captive tenant. It can charge The Fins any rent it wants. That greedy landlord is unconscionably siphoning off the profits of the hardworking Fins owner.
Now here is one of the most amazing co-incidences you ever going to hear. The name of the landlord, who is gouging the team, is also named Steven Ross!
Now what are the odds of that happening?
But that’s nothing. It turns out that the guys who own the parking and food concessions and every other related business are also named Steven Ross. The mathematical probability of this is like winning the Powerball Lottery six weeks in a row. Yet, it’s happened.
Now I know what some of you are thinking: “Sam, Sam, Sam, don’t you know that all those Steve Ross’s are the same guy?”
No way. You’re such cynics. If the cynics are right then someone might conclude that the $41 million loss was nothing more than creative bookkeeping by adjusting the rent up or down or shifting the profits from one corporation to another.
How do I know this can’t be true? Because, if Ross was such a bookkeeping flim/flamer, there is no way that Mitt Romney would have taken his $3,000,000 in 2012 campaign contributions.
Nevertheless, politicians and the media have been pummeling this man who only cares about making a better life for the rest of us.
So where has all this mistreatment of “The Good” Steve left us? It’s summed up in the May 10th Herald headline: “Dolphins open to Palm Beach home”.
I hope he’s not talking about Palm Beach County. I hope he’s talking about the Town of Palm Beach on the oceanfront island where “The Good” Steve lives.
Want to know the perfect place to move the team? The south side of The Breakers Hotel. There is all this open space that hardly anyone uses.
On the downside somebody has dug 36 holes there already. But they’re only about 4 inches wide. I am sure “The Good” Steve can get some beach sand to fill them in.
And here’s the best part. “The Good” Steve will be able to say “good riddance” to “The Evil” Steve and at the same time live the American Dream. He’ll be able to walk to work.
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